Corner of solitude

This post will be in the same vein as yesterdays post, but this time about blokes. I recently read in an article in one of the papers I picked up on the train yesterday about a survey that will surely interest the blokes whose first names are David.

Someone took the time to conduct a survey about men with the biggest block and tackles. They asked the women to name which men have the biggest of them all. And apparently men whose first names are David have larger ones than any other of his fellow men.

But this was conducted in america and not here in Oz. Otherwise it would’ve been the Lukes named as having the largest set of tools.

Catching the train has some advantages, I wont mention them all. But I will say that I don’t have to spend any money on newspapers. This is because people have an extricable urge to leave them in their seats rather than taking it with them and putting in the next rubbish bin they see, like a goody two shoe should, I guess there isn’t any goody two shoes left in the world anymore.

Speaking of shoes, I read in one of the papers that wearing stilettos is good for women. Good for their sex drive that is. Somehow women don’t get enough pelvic muscle exercises. Apparently exercising their pelvic muscles does wonders with their libidos and wearing high heeled shoes is the perfect pelvic exercise which also makes them feel sexy.

You know what? From now on I’m going to recommend to Lauren to always wear stilettos wherever she goes, heck I’ll even tell her to wear ‘em in bed. The higher they are the better. Chances are, she wont ever have another sudden headache whenever I want some action.

Damn you L. Ron Hubbard! If it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t have to put up with spam from Scientologist, they’re out of control. I’m a catholic, and it really hurts my street cred to be a recipient of so much Scientology junk mail. Now I can’t even go out to my postbox without receiving a barrage of disapproving looks, tsk tsk tsks, and a whole lot of catcalls of heretics & pagans, from my fellow catholics no less. Seriously this has got to stop.

I don’t know how they got my postbox address in the first place. Hmmm, I have this sneaking suspicion that someone I know is the culprit, someone trying to be funny even though they probably don’t have any sense of humour themselves. I’m not mentioning any names, Stephen G, you know who you are.

Look, I am not trying to jump on the diss the scientologist freaks band wagon. Even though I suspect the late L. Ron Hubbard was pulling everyone’s leg and thought he could make a few bucks on the side while he was at it when he decided to create Scientology into a religion. He was a sci-fi writer for crying out loud. He actually tells in one of his so called doctrines a story about an alien blowing up billions of fellow aliens in a volcano, millions and millions of years ago, freeing their souls that now resides in people today. Yes that’s right folks, a science fiction writer and a doctrine about an alien . . . hmmm lets see if we can put two and two together. I just think that people of today have too much time on their hands.

I’m only saying to the Scientologist folks out there to be reasonable and to stop sending me spam. Just stop it, all right? Think about it, what would Bill and Ted say to L. Ron Hubbard if he was still alive and to you for sending them junk mail? They would say straight up “FAG!” You know I’m right. So I’m giving L. Ronny this week’s Fag of the week, because his largely the one to blame for all this.

As a kid I once asked what the definition of news was, not that I didn’t already know what it meant. To me it was war and terror, poverty and death, politicians and criminals, yuppies and puppies.

Maybe what I really wanted to know, like so many other people my age, was why news was called “news” and why it wasn’t called “olds” instead. If news was going to be defined as recent events or developments that have already happened then olds would be a more appropriate word, or so I thought. I found I was too naive and I was probably a hundred years too young to understand the concept. Eventually someone came up with a definition slash reason that I was finally happy with. I was told that news was the “new information” about the recent events or developments not the recent events or developments itself which were in the past like I had stated, and would be called history instead. The reason why it’s news was because people back in the old days were too lazy to say “new information” so they used an aussie concept, they shortened it down and hence called it “news”. I thought to myself, now that I’ve got my head around this I’m probably not a hundred years too young to understand the concept after all.

My next query was why people were facinated by these so called new information or news? I too as I grew a little older was drawn to it. After all what’s so good about war and terror, poverty and death, politicians and criminals, yuppies and puppies?

Well maybe there is something to be said about that last one, after all puppies are cute. Except when they chase after you when you’re trying to get away from them, at first you make a brisk walk, but then you have to make a run for it, only to find that the little terrors are keeping up with you. That’s why I feel sorry for postmen terrorised by guard dogs and small children who have never encountered a dog before.

I regard news as gloomy subjects, except when they’re happy ones such as puppies as previously mentioned. One theory is that there is a masochistic aspect to our soul in each and everyone of us. We like to hear gloom and doom, and let’s face it, if news was pizza hut, the only pizza flavour that would get delivered to us is, you guessed it, gloom and doom. News in papers, news on the internet and especially news on televisions are mostly filled with criminals, drugged up celebrities, dying people from third world countries and death in war. The song Horror movie by the legendary classic rock band the Skyhooks is as relevant today as it was during the seventies, when the horrors of war was first aired on television, bringing it right into people’s family living rooms. That’s why the only thing that I’d recommend watching on the news that doesn’t involve a conflict is the weather, at least the sheilas doing the weather are easy on the eyes.

Fortunately I don’t subscribe to this everyone is a masochist school of thought. My theory is, that while none of us like to hear or see all the wrongs in the world, we want to experience it. Not because we like and enjoy it, but because we empathize and want to steel ourselves. Steel ourselves for the worse, we want to know what other unfortunates feel just in case one day we are put in the same situations. News is like someone (maybe God) tapping you on the shoulder and saying “take a walk in my shoes pal and tell your story walking.”

Then again I could be wrong about the whole news thing. Being a hundred years too young to understand could be true after all.